My word

     A drive is always a good feeling for me. I often feel strange in the moments when I am driving. Where I feel like I am having an out-of-the-experience, experience. I'm not sure if that makes complete sense, but I feel so good in the moment. I was driving yesterday with one of my roommates to softball practice, and we started driving around Cameron Park, through trees to get to the practice field. I rolled the windows down, the sunroof was open, and the outdoor breeze brushed my face as it traveled through the car. I was genuinely happy. I felt like everything in life was going right.       Recently, my year ago memories have been those of me being at OSU crying and counting down the days till I would be home. I listened to many sad songs- including the most relatable by Ethan Jewel's "Drive-thru poem". That song perfectly describes how I used to feel. Driving used to be my only escape, and music played a huge part during those drives. I look at he...

 I am currently sitting in a cubicle on the second floor of the library with tea stains on my pants and shirt- along with gallons of water in my eye just waiting to pour out. I am not where I want to be. I am not who I want to be, and it makes me so upset because I feel like I've been working so hard in the wrong direction. While I enjoy my major- it is not what I want to do. I know just because you get a degree in something doesn't mean you have to stick with it, but it hurts to watch other people pursuing what I want to do. It is so hard to focus my time on work, that I feel does not matter to me in the long run. But I am also embarrassed to pursue what I want because people who are close to me whose opinions I care about oppose my passions and desires. People claim to understand me, but I don't feel like anyone truly does. My brain is so scattered and it is hard for me to get information out. Instead of letting that information flourish, I feel like people try to conceal...

2/6/2022 Recently what has pondered my thoughts throughout the night has been- what do I do about this? Being someone who suffers constantly from "paralysis by analysis", undiagnosed, I find myself quite a few times thinking and thinking and thinking. My mind is like a growing tree for every thought I have. It starts with a planted seed, specifically any thought, roots take you to the stump, which leads to the trunk, evolving into branches, each branch with mini branches, and each mini branch with a few twigs For example, what will I wear today? A daily task we must all figure out. For some- this question is quite simple, roll out of bed and choose the first pair of pants I see, and attempt to find a shirt that generally matches. For others- this could be a changing room situation, trying on multiple items of clothing trying to make sure the outfit is fire. For me, I take the second option to the extreme. First I must consider the weather. Well if its sunny I want to wear thi...

2-14-2022         I started my trek to the blood drive trucks on campus in hopes that I would be able to get my blood drawn so that I could donate it and save lives. However, one thing has always held me back. My biggest fear, needles. They're pointy, sharp, and they hurt you by penetrating your arm. Mostly anywhere there's a nurse or doctor- the weapon is present. When I was younger I always knew when I was getting a shot, because I had to know in advance to mentally prepare myself, otherwise it wouldn't go well. Even still, sometimes it would go horrible even with months of preparation. I remember specifically two distinct times I went to the doctor's office and it went terrible. Of course, there are more times than I can count, but these two go in the best of all-time book.     First, when I was receiving my shots for high school I fought the nurses and they had to bring in 3 to pin me down to the table and give me a shot. I did indeed apologiz...

To be honest, I have been struggling quite a bit with every aspect of life. At night, before bed, I always look through old photos on my phone, that I had taken with friends. Back when my photo album was colorful. I see all of my friends. Some funny pictures, some pictures we tried really hard to look good in, and the pictures you just lean over and take. I miss the days when I could just ride my bike over to their house, or when I could take a walk around the block with someone, or go on a mile run with a small group, or even when people would just come over and surprise me at my house. I miss going to pick up some friends, rolling down the windows, and blasting our music while scream singing to the city. Each photo I look at has a story, and I am reminded of that story. I sit and smile at my phone. I get lost in those pictures. I think about what happened in those moments. Written in March 2021

Walls. The basic structure of how everything is built. We build walls to keep ourselves warm in our houses, and we build walls to keep our neighbors kitchen out of our living rooms. We use walls to hang photos that hold a thousand memories, and we use walls to provide ourselves with comfort and security. But we also use walls to hide and get away from people. We can spin a door shut and laugh behind it or cry behind it. Somethings only the walls of our room know. A wall can physically keep an emotion locked away. A wall can also keep everyone who isn't wanted out.  I am standing by this one wall right now. I didn't choose to stand by it. How did I find this wall? I was walking one day, the path I had been on for a couple years, and I hit it. I've never hit a wall no hard. I fell backwards and landed on my back. The wall went on for miles. To me, this wall was large. I laid in front of this wall for months. Just looking at it, watching it grow. I finally realized that this w...

I am 17 years old. I am about to college to learn about how to become a biomedical engineer. My dream is to become a famous actor, director, and producer. At this point in my life deciding I want to be in film is a risky move. Everyone encourages me to seek my biomedical job, and they tell me that film isn't safe. They tell me how I would be living in a box on the side of the road, making no money. They tell me "it's a side hustle". Today I have decided I am going for what my dreams are. I wanted to write in this blog to hopefully inspire others to chase their dreams. I'm not successful with film yet, but I am ready to work for it because I want it so bad. I remember when I was younger and people would ask me what I wanted to do. I told them film and they would tell me to look into other careers, or they would look at me with disappointment and tell me to go for something better. Now when I tell people I'm majoring in biomedical engineering they tell me how sm...