Where is my Zen?

2/6/2022

Recently what has pondered my thoughts throughout the night has been- what do I do about this? Being someone who suffers constantly from "paralysis by analysis", undiagnosed, I find myself quite a few times thinking and thinking and thinking. My mind is like a growing tree for every thought I have. It starts with a planted seed, specifically any thought, roots take you to the stump, which leads to the trunk, evolving into branches, each branch with mini branches, and each mini branch with a few twigs For example, what will I wear today? A daily task we must all figure out. For some- this question is quite simple, roll out of bed and choose the first pair of pants I see, and attempt to find a shirt that generally matches. For others- this could be a changing room situation, trying on multiple items of clothing trying to make sure the outfit is fire. For me, I take the second option to the extreme. First I must consider the weather. Well if its sunny I want to wear this, but if its raining I wanna wear this. Well since its cold I will wear this and since it is hot I will wear this. Next, what color will look best on me, and what color do I feel like wearing? Next, I start trying on multiple combinations of clothing. If something doesn't feel how I am feeling, if something doesn't match the vibe of the music I am listening to. Next, what is everyone else wearing- I don't wanna wear the same thing, but I don't want to stand out too much and try to steal the attention from what I am attending. Next, well I wore something like these a couple days ago, or I've worn this outfit before to this place so I cannot wear it here, and the thoughts go on and on. For any simple day tasks I am challenged with overcoming my instinct to think about every possible outcome. After talking with someone I generally start to think of everything that I said wrong- and how everything was extremely awkward. I start to think of what I wish I would've said or done. Any situation starts a tree seed and begins to grow into every possibility. This especially crippled me when trying to choose where to go to school for the second time. This has lead me to the question of 'Where is my zen?'. How do I obtain the mental strength to have a balance in my brain. With the gears constantly turning and working- it leaves me no time to focus on one thing- and I end up taking on a lot of little tasks instead of a couple big tasks. I constantly need to have paper and pen around me because my brain will start thinking of everything I have to do, and I have to write it down then. When I am reading my books for school I always have paper near me, because my brain begins to drift off and I need to write something down so I can continue to focus on my reading. All this lack of focus has caused me to not pay attention and retain the information I need- and in turn I begin to overthink about what information I will need to remember and what information will I remember and for how long? I am working on finding a source of zen for myself- and I hopefully will find it soon, for now I just hope to find the answers to my late night brain questions. What do I do about this certain situation? How do I stop overthinking it? How will I overcome my mental barriers? 

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