My word

Growing up I was always the kid who wanted to be the first to try everything. Why? First, because I was the oldest and I had to make sure whatever we were attempting was safe for my younger brother, and second I was not afraid. I wanted to try everything I could in this life because it seemed fun. However, as I've grown older, I have kept this trait, but it has a different purpose behind it. I go first to protect the ones I love because I would rather be in pain than someone I love, and I try everything because life is too short not to try. I have fears like everyone, but I don't allow those fears to take over my choices and actions. Learning more about being a Marine from my dad- it is clear who I got these traits from. He has been a huge mentor in my life for as long as I can remember. From coaching my 6-year-old rec basketball team making us run lines and learn to discipline ourselves as individuals and as a team-holding one another accountable, to helping me establish littl

I am sitting here at Hope Harbor lifeguarding on a Sunday, crying about my fish Aphroditis. She was the sweetest fish ever, and I loved her so so much. Unfortunately, she passed away a couple of weeks ago due to a bacterial infection. She died while I was on vacation, so I never got the proper goodbye- and to make things even worse... it was her birthday. I don't know what brought on this sudden sadness other than the fact that I was looking for a new animal to take down to college with me. Of course, I don't want another fish because it feels like I am replacing her, so I have been looking at alternatives. I am upset thinking about the fact that I will not get to drive with her anymore. Taking her down to school with me, and letting her travel with me everywhere I go. Aphroditis loved the song Gucci Flip Flops and was a fan of LED lights. She loved all kinds of music, and car rides, and every morning she would greet me at the side of her tank. When I first bought her, she wasn

I am flawed. Just like everyone, I have parts of myself I do not like and things I am working on changing.  I am flawed. I overthink. I think of every possibility to before making a decision, which means it takes me longer than most to come to a conclusion. I think of every good outcome, and every bad consequence. So I scare myself away from people. I am flawed. I am hard on myself. I don't let myself get by on any excuses, and I hold myself to such a high standard that it hurts me to not let loose every once in a while. I am flawed. I am a perfectionist. If I envision something in my head, then it must come out the exact way that I imagined it.  I am flawed. I try to put others before myself, always. Except, I tend to fail quite often at that- being that I don't have enough time in the day to cater to all my peoples needs. I am flawed. I don't take good enough care of my body. I don't go to bed at a decent time, and I wake up early for work. I take showers to keep myse

I hate being asked that question. I hate it with every fiber in my body. Being asked that question makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up perfectly straight, it makes the water I just drank bubble and boil inside my body, it makes me turn red and release steam from my ears, it makes me absolutely furious. I won't bother going into depth about this question, nor will I state what that question is. I will, however, explain why it makes me so angry. I am not typically one to ponder on emotions or let my emotions steer my life. Easily I can detach myself from how I am feeling and make myself forget other times. That seems like a bad trait to have, or at least that is what most people tell me, and sense they are my friends I choose to believe them, but it also helps me in certain situations. Being someone who doesn't like to talk to others about how they feel, unless they are happy or excited, means that I can aid and assist myself when I need me the most. If I am sad, I can

I was bike riding with my dad the other day as our form of physical activity for the day last Saturday. We biked 3.5 miles to the junior high, got off our bikes, ran a mile, did 100 crunches, got back on the bikes, and started our trek home. The running was the easy part. Going back home, we had to maneuver uphill for about 2 miles. We had a goal of completing this all in 45 minutes. As we are biking back we hit a cross in the road where we are having to wait for cars to pass by, of course this is right before we start going uphill. Before we crossed the street my dad looked back at me and said, "Raegan this hill is going to be like other things you face in your life. It's going to be hard and its going to suck, but you keep pushing until you get to the end. Maybe you're going to want to give up or maybe you'll get too tired, but you keep pushing". It was so motivational and it really go me in the zone, and then I realized I began to take this little bike ride wor

     A drive is always a good feeling for me. I often feel strange in the moments when I am driving. Where I feel like I am having an out-of-the-experience, experience. I'm not sure if that makes complete sense, but I feel so good in the moment. I was driving yesterday with one of my roommates to softball practice, and we started driving around Cameron Park, through trees to get to the practice field. I rolled the windows down, the sunroof was open, and the outdoor breeze brushed my face as it traveled through the car. I was genuinely happy. I felt like everything in life was going right.       Recently, my year ago memories have been those of me being at OSU crying and counting down the days till I would be home. I listened to many sad songs- including the most relatable by Ethan Jewel's "Drive-thru poem". That song perfectly describes how I used to feel. Driving used to be my only escape, and music played a huge part during those drives. I look at her, the girl in t

 I am currently sitting in a cubicle on the second floor of the library with tea stains on my pants and shirt- along with gallons of water in my eye just waiting to pour out. I am not where I want to be. I am not who I want to be, and it makes me so upset because I feel like I've been working so hard in the wrong direction. While I enjoy my major- it is not what I want to do. I know just because you get a degree in something doesn't mean you have to stick with it, but it hurts to watch other people pursuing what I want to do. It is so hard to focus my time on work, that I feel does not matter to me in the long run. But I am also embarrassed to pursue what I want because people who are close to me whose opinions I care about oppose my passions and desires. People claim to understand me, but I don't feel like anyone truly does. My brain is so scattered and it is hard for me to get information out. Instead of letting that information flourish, I feel like people try to conceal

2/6/2022 Recently what has pondered my thoughts throughout the night has been- what do I do about this? Being someone who suffers constantly from "paralysis by analysis", undiagnosed, I find myself quite a few times thinking and thinking and thinking. My mind is like a growing tree for every thought I have. It starts with a planted seed, specifically any thought, roots take you to the stump, which leads to the trunk, evolving into branches, each branch with mini branches, and each mini branch with a few twigs For example, what will I wear today? A daily task we must all figure out. For some- this question is quite simple, roll out of bed and choose the first pair of pants I see, and attempt to find a shirt that generally matches. For others- this could be a changing room situation, trying on multiple items of clothing trying to make sure the outfit is fire. For me, I take the second option to the extreme. First I must consider the weather. Well if its sunny I want to wear thi

2-14-2022         I started my trek to the blood drive trucks on campus in hopes that I would be able to get my blood drawn so that I could donate it and save lives. However, one thing has always held me back. My biggest fear, needles. They're pointy, sharp, and they hurt you by penetrating your arm. Mostly anywhere there's a nurse or doctor- the weapon is present. When I was younger I always knew when I was getting a shot, because I had to know in advance to mentally prepare myself, otherwise it wouldn't go well. Even still, sometimes it would go horrible even with months of preparation. I remember specifically two distinct times I went to the doctor's office and it went terrible. Of course, there are more times than I can count, but these two go in the best of all-time book.     First, when I was receiving my shots for high school I fought the nurses and they had to bring in 3 to pin me down to the table and give me a shot. I did indeed apologize afterward for my beha

To be honest, I have been struggling quite a bit with every aspect of life. At night, before bed, I always look through old photos on my phone, that I had taken with friends. Back when my photo album was colorful. I see all of my friends. Some funny pictures, some pictures we tried really hard to look good in, and the pictures you just lean over and take. I miss the days when I could just ride my bike over to their house, or when I could take a walk around the block with someone, or go on a mile run with a small group, or even when people would just come over and surprise me at my house. I miss going to pick up some friends, rolling down the windows, and blasting our music while scream singing to the city. Each photo I look at has a story, and I am reminded of that story. I sit and smile at my phone. I get lost in those pictures. I think about what happened in those moments. Written in March 2021