the question.

I hate being asked that question. I hate it with every fiber in my body. Being asked that question makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up perfectly straight, it makes the water I just drank bubble and boil inside my body, it makes me turn red and release steam from my ears, it makes me absolutely furious. I won't bother going into depth about this question, nor will I state what that question is. I will, however, explain why it makes me so angry. I am not typically one to ponder on emotions or let my emotions steer my life. Easily I can detach myself from how I am feeling and make myself forget other times. That seems like a bad trait to have, or at least that is what most people tell me, and sense they are my friends I choose to believe them, but it also helps me in certain situations. Being someone who doesn't like to talk to others about how they feel, unless they are happy or excited, means that I can aid and assist myself when I need me the most. If I am sad, I can get myself out of the hole, and within minutes make myself feel better. It's a technique I started to use for myself when I became numb to any feelings a little over a year ago. Riding those feelings makes me feel good and strong about myself, but it also makes me not have to feel the heartache that comes along with my emotions. Not only do I do this when I am sad- but I also do it when I get angry. While anger isn't as easily controlled by my technique, it helps me to implode instead of explode. Which again, some of my friends see this as a bad thing, but I see it as good, being that I never take anything out on other people. I found that when I would every so often talk to someone about my feelings there were pros and cons. The pros being it felt relieving to talk about it and get it out, the cons being I felt ashamed that I told someone my feelings, I was anxious that they would tell someone (even if I trusted them), and it made me feel nervous afterward. Getting my emotions out doesn't mean I have to talk to someone about it- it just means I get to handle my emotions how I would like. If I feel like talking to someone I can just write it down or I can talk to myself and motivate myself to get up and keep going. Which then leads me into another complicated part fo my brain. I feel like my brain is split perfectly in half. Meaning I could be upset, but I can also be my own mentor through those hard times. Sometimes this confuses me, because now that I can point out that's what I am doing, I feel like I am contradicting myself.  All this to say- there is a lot that goes on in my head. When I am asked the question. It hurts me, and I don't know how to coupe at all. I'm not able to push that emotion away, and my anger and sadness only goes away with time. It's like this feeling that is buried deep within myself in a stone covered shell, wrapped in wires, that has been there so long it refuses to move. It feels like this unknown identity almost within myself. Not that this question is true, but it feels like my answer to this question is covered by my appearances, and that there is no way I can prove myself. I wish I knew how to accept this question when it is asked so that I can answer appropriately and not be so upset, but I can't, because I refuse to talk to anyone because of the anxiety it brings me.

6-21-2022