If A Silent Lover Could Speak

Written on 11/28/2022

Oh the things I wish I could say. The way that you encapsulate my mind every second leaves me sitting through my classes without a single scribble on the page, even driving around the city forgetting which way is right and which is left. How do you do that thing? That thing where you make me feel like nothing else matters. That thing where when my phone buzzes I hope that it is you, but as soon as I see your name I get that funny feeling like I should be nervous. That thing where when I feel scared I make myself feel obligated to tell you everything because you make me feel better. You make me feel good. You make me feel the sun in the sky through the dark cloudy days. You make the storms refreshing and the puddles endless mirrors that hold importance. You create symbolic meaning for everyday objects so that when I see them, I think of you. My life used to be managed by the sunrise and set. Everyday I hoped I could see it again the next day. The sun's clockwork was my timer. You make the sunrises in the morning the wake up call that never fails to greet me, and the sunsets the goodnight wishes I never have to ask for. I always tell the people I love that we are never far, because I am in their heart, and if they go outside to look at the starry night sky, we see the same stars. But I do not feel that is the same as the lasting impact you have made. 

When we are together and we subconsciously intertwine, do you feel what I do? Do you feel like never letting go? As our ligaments tie together, they create this knot that cannot be broken. As the fabric of our clothing rubs through one another, that feeling is absorbed. When your hand touches the buried scars of mine, I no longer squeeze the knives I once held, but embrace yours instead. You are the relief I always longed to hold. You are the stuffed animals I would tightly grasp as a kid when I hid in my closet to cry, and you have sat next to me. You have sat and listened to me cry in this small dark room. Doing what I thought was only possible for my fictional friends. I always felt comfortable in the dark because no one could see me, and they would never come in to find me. "The dark is a scary place to be" most would say. The dark didn't scare me, in fact, it wasn't somewhere I chose to be, but it is where I wondered to and felt safe. When I turned back and couldn't find my way out, I thought I would be stuck in there forever and I was alright with that. But you came in to sit with me, and when I was comfortable you lit the match that allowed me to see myself again, and others too. The journey leaving the dark is scary, but you always match my pace. I am grateful I did not lose myself in the dark before you came. All of life's beauties are more gorgeous because of you.

If a silent lover could speak, these were the things they would hope that they could say to you. They would want to outwardly shower you in love and admiration. Give back all that they could until their bodies bled dry. But in this life, a silent lover never speaks, not even a whisper. In another life, maybe they'll gain the courage to speak. Until then, they shall love from afar. Wonder what you could have been, and forever search for the feeling you gave them.